the crisp connection: The journey to here: God's purpose in our seasons of desert wanderings

Recently, Patrick and I have been learning about partnership development, and working on some tools to help us share our story, both the story that has led us up to this point, and the story God is leading us into. So, the whole process has been a big ol' walk down memory lane for us. Sometimes there are parts in our past, all of us, that we would rather not dwell on because they were painful. Perhaps we are not proud of some seasons of our life.

To be honest, the past 8 years haven't been exactly easy! If you have heard all or parts of our testimony, you probably know that already. While walking through it, I often would have chosen for things to go differently. It is a darn good thing I am not in charge. Because looking back, I can see how things happened for a reason. When I came back from Africa the first time, I naively thought we would be returning again quite soon. (Not Africa, necessarily, but somewhere.) So much of my frustration has stemmed from the fact that I thought we were supposed to be missionaries, and that just wasn't happening. Not only that, but we had no real plans of how it was going to happen. Now that we are here now, I can see that this "delay" wasn't necessarily about us not working hard enough to make it happen, or some mistake on our part. Instead, it was all about what God was doing in us before we had even a hope of being ready.

This means so much to me because it means I can trust God. He won't let us move before He thinks we're (somewhat!) ready. He cares about our wellbeing enough that He won't throw us out there unprepared, even if we, in our youthful confidence, think we are prepared. It also means He doesn't waste our experiences. We don't need to look back on the last 8 years and think, gosh, I wish I had that back. It has been an invaluable season in our lives.

If we had gone into international missions right away, I'm %100 sure our marriage would not have survived. We had to go through some trials, as well as everyday life together, in order to know, trust, and appreciate each other. I would not have known or appreciated the local church. I would not know the challenges of serving on committees, trying to vote on and divide up budgets, how precious pulpit time is on Sunday morning, how churches are bombarded with needs from every direction and the challenge it is to accept some and reject others, in order to focus your efforts in a strategic way. I definitely would not understand the challenge of living life day to day here, and try to be at all connected with or interested in international missions when its going on a world away and seems to have no relevance to daily life in America. Basically, I would not understand the life that everyone of our partners faithfully lives here.

I would not have even appreciated my salvation to the extent I do now. Definitely my faith had some growing periods as a young adult, but nothing compared to the challenges of adulthood, the intense refining process of marriage, and the curveballs life throws. I've always known I needed Jesus, but to be honest, I used to think it was more of a future thing. The longer I'm alive, the more I'm convinced I need Him every single day, and without His grace and mercy in my life, I am a wretched sinner who deserves nothing but eternity apart from God in hell. I have absolutely no hope of living a life pleasing to God on my own, and it took living through some of life's difficult moments before I was able to see that. Now I can honestly, sincerely say, "here is the difference God makes in my everyday life. Here is why He deserves my absolute devotion and unquestionable obedience. Because of who He is, and who He has shown Himself to be on my behalf."And most of all, I used to see my life calling as being a missionary. Now I see my life calling as being a follower of Christ, of being in fellowship with Him day to day, of trying to live a life worthy of that calling, of being an example to the world of a redeemed life, and of bringing joy to the heart of God as one of His lost children who is now returned to Him, and of being wholly committed to living for the Kingdom of God instead of this world. If I am able to go overseas to do that, that is an awesome privilege. But it does not define who I am, as a Christian or otherwise.

We would not have had the time with family. Since being married, I have always lived quite far from both sides of my family, which has been difficult for me. (Except for that short stint in Alabama when we were about 6 hrs from some family members. That was the closest!) But we have still managed to see each other as often as possible. Although my kids are still young, they have definitely begun meaningful relationships with their extended family, and I am so grateful for that, and that my kids will have memories of the people and places that mean so much to Patrick and me.

Thank God He is in control! On a lighter note, here are some pictures of the last few weeks. Enjoying spring here in Kansas! (take heart, northerners; if spring hasn't reached you yet, it will soon!)

Surely there is some country song about kids playing with piles of cotton?

Hannah building a snow tower. Until it crashes! (I told her to enjoy it, as it was the last snow of the season? right???? ;-)

field trip to the science museum

the tornado simulator. (And no, they do not have debris flying around knocking you in the head. But still; why would anyone want to simulate being in a tornado? scares the pee out of me.)

Excavating sea turtles. Apparently there was one here in KS. evidence of a flood, anyone?

Yes, that is my Caroline, trying to climb in.

This being Wichita, they have a big aviation exhibit. My kids were quite surprised when they overheard other kids talking about never having been in an airplane before, commercial or private. But i'm sure they will soon be very tired of hearing people tell them "oh, what an interesting life you have." Or "you're so lucky to have these experiences." So I try not to do that. As impossible as it may be, I just want them to feel normal.