As the hows and the whys and the what ifs threaten to overwhelm:

A few days ago, I was driving down the road only marginally distracted by the craziness in the backseats, my mind absolutely whirling. The last few weeks have been drinking from a firehose of information about what our life will be like from here on out. Patrick had a very productive trip to Kenya, and was able to communicate often due to the cheapness of international calling cards. (yay!) So every day or so he called and filled me in on what he was learning, as well as talking lots of pictures and notes. Then we would hang up, and I would think (ok, perhaps worry) about that day's news. Then the next day would come, and the cycle would repeat. (He was gone 10 days. You get the picture.) Then he came home, and before we even really had time to debrief, we visited with an AIM Air family who we had been corresponding with for a while and were so excited to meet. We packed an awful lot of questions into that 2 hour visit, which led to, you guessed it, more "thinking." I am not, by nature, a worrier. I am, however, a planner. A big planner. I plan years in advance. I plan for things that will never happen. (I'm talking about good things, like parties and vacations.) I started looking at curriculums when Hannah was barely 2. I start packing for a road trip days in advance. So you can imagine how I'm doing with the task of "planning" for the next few years. (A few years is all I will go; even master planners have their limits!)

I have to be honest here. All this information has me overwhelmed. Everyone knows how excited I am to go to Africa. Pretty sure I've run that one into the ground. But, to be painfully honest, now that it is actually here, I'm starting to get nervous. In the car this weekend, 10% of my mind was on driving, and 90% swirled uncontrollably with all the knowns and unknowns facing us. For example: 

• The actual packing. How does one pack for 3 years (the probable length of our first term)? Will we pack a shipping crate, or just take extra trunks with us on the plane?
• How will my family (children) do with the "transition?" (I don't mind telling you, I'm starting to strongly dislike that word. I just hear it, and say it, ALL THE TIME.) 
• I understand that this experience will be completely different from my last time in Africa. What made it so enjoyable, fulfilling, and worthwhile for me was the Senegalese people themselves, and my relationships with them. But those relationships came because of my complete freedom to learn the language and spend every waking moment (that I had the energy for) with a Senegalese person, usually in their home. This time around, nearly every waking moment is already taken up with the people in my home. How will I learn the language when I have hardly any time or energy? And how will I embrace/be embraced by my new host country when I can't communicate with them, or don't have the time to build those relationships? 

And then the ongoing issues, the ones that will be there as an undercurrent running through our lives for as long as we're there 

• Am I making the best decisions for my children's educational and social wellbeing? 
• Home assignment is meant to be a break from the stresses of living overseas, but can often be very stressful in and of itself. 
• Living off of support, how to plan ahead for the fluctuations there 
• Being so far from our families
• What our specific role will be in the organization. 

Thought after uncontrollable thought, worry after uncontrollable worry. And the echo of it all, 

What if I can't do it? What if it's too hard, too complicated, too stressful? What if I end up just not even wanting to do it? 

Eventually I noticed in the background the voices of two lovable peas, singing about flying as they jumped on a trampoline. 

Strength will rise as we wait upon the LORD, 

             We will wait upon the LORD, 

We will wait upon the LORD. 

Am I the only mom to ever have been challenged, even convicted, by our Veggie Tale friends? They got me good this time. If I am waiting to have enough strength and fortitude to do this on my own, then I will be waiting an awfully long time. I do not have the strength. My feet will fail at times, I am sure of it. But, He who calls us is faithful. And HE will do it.