Two steps forward. . . One step back. . . yet onward and upward

It was not the first time I had found myself in this situation during church. Unable to stop the tears from running down my face,  I quietly slipped out the back and headed to the restroom to take a deep breath and compose myself. As I opened the door to return to the service, I nearly collided with another woman whose eyes were as red as my own. She, in fact, was the reason for this emotional Sunday morning. Neither of us had any words as we hugged, wiped away tears again, and parted ways. I may never see that woman or her family again, because they are a missionary pilot family leaving for Brazil, and our church here had just commissioned them. As I thought about the next six weeks they have before their (long, long awaited) departure, I was overcome with how difficult leaving is going to be. For them now, for us later. It is at times like these that the reality of this life we have chosen hits me full in the face, and the thought makes me feel as if my heart were being ripped out. 
One year ago this month, we took a very real step away from our former lives and towards the future, by selling our house and nearly everything we own, and leaving a good job, church, and family. We are in between right now: still in America, but not at "home", working towards missions, but not quite full time missionaries. A time of preparation (both spiritually, financially, and professionally) and anticipation, of prayer and planning. I know it is important, but sometimes I just want to pull the band-aid off. 
It's hard to stay focused, too. Its hard to be living here in America, where people have and use all the things we already got rid of, and not wish we still had them! Its hard to be here but not plan on staying, and so feel like you're holding back a little, not allowing yourself to feel too much at home, not knowing how much to invest in the present and how much in the future. 
It's hard to hear things that make me think twice about the decision we have made. Horrible things happen here, for sure, but for some reason when I think about something happening there, it feels so much worse. Like the massive fire in the Nairobi airport a few months ago. I don't believe anybody died, miraculously, but hearing the eyewitness accounts reminded me just how good our country does things like disaster management and handling emergencies. (Instead of, say, not even fighting the fire for a few hours until private security forces are rounded up to help). And now, of course, I will think twice about going to the mall while living in Nairobi. Hearing these stories does scare me sometimes, if I let it. 
And most recently, hearing another kind of news altogether, the news that my stepfather has colon cancer. Patrick and I were not prepared for cancer just one generation above us, I still am trying to wrap my brain around this. Not only does it drastically change the next 12-18 months before we go, and the amount of time we will be able to spend with my mom and Bob, but it just reminds me, there will be no perfect time to leave. Not even a good time to leave. But how can we leave our families when they are going through a difficult time? We love our families so much, even though mine and Patrick's families both have been spread out across the country (or 2 countries), we love being with them and want to be there for and with them, in good times and bad. 
(I don't know where I'm going with this, except that at some point in time I said this blog was supposed to be an honest look at a missionary in training! It may not always be professional, may not always be spiritual, may not always be interesting, but I hope it's always honest.)
The only thing, absolutely only thing, that could possibly keep me on this path, is that HE who called us is FAITHFUL and WORTHY. And as hard as it is to live sometimes, I really truly believe that compared to Him, nothing else even matters. So, let's keep on truckin. And one day, everything will make sense. And everything, every pain and every loss and every sacrifice made for His sake, will be worth it one hundred times over when we see the Lamb lifted up on the throne, glorying in the worship of every tongue, tribe, and nation.